Tip #16: Even small actions can have a big impact

Random Acts of Kindness Day is an international “informal” day that falls on February 17th and reminds us that even a small gesture can make a day better. But “being kind” and “doing good deeds” can sometimes degenerate into pressure, performance, or exhaustion. How can we practice kindness in a way that strengthens our psyche, relationships, and inner peace… and doesn’t lead to further overload?

Positive psychology sees good deeds as a simple practice that can boost mood, relationships, and a sense of purpose—if done with self-respect. It’s these “micro-deeds” that can convey pleasant emotions, a sense of connection, and meaning. And that’s a combination that our psyches love.

And now the most important thing: kindness is not self-sacrifice. It is not a race to see who can do the most. We can think of kindness more as a gentle practice that has a good effect mainly when it arises from inner choice and capacity - not from obligation. Remember, we cannot give from an empty vessel.

How can good deeds really have a positive impact?

1) Choose a micro-kindness (1-5 minutes)

The most powerful things are the little things that are concrete and human. For example:

• "Thank you, I appreciate what you do."

• "I see you have a lot to do. Can I make something easier for you?"

• A short compliment that is specific: "I liked how you calmed down the situation today."

• Hold the door, let someone sit down, help with a bag, smile "in the eye".

  
  

2) Try a “package” of favors in one day

Instead of spreading out small micro-acts throughout the week, try saying to yourself today: I’m going to have a day of kindness. Choose 3-5 small acts (really small ones) and do them throughout the day. For many people, this is more enjoyable than feeling like they “have to think about it all the time.”

3) Vary

When we do the same thing over and over again, the brain gets used to it and a stereotype sets in. So try something different every time:

• something for a colleague,

• the second time for a stranger,

• third time at home,

• and sometimes (often) kindness towards yourself .

  
  

4) Find a form that suits you

If you're more of an introvert, a silent act of kindness (a message, a sticky note on the mirror, a small, unobtrusive act of help) might work for you. If you enjoy contact, it could be a direct compliment, an offer of help, a short conversation.

What to avoid so that kindness is not destructive

The need for appreciation is human. However, if you choose to perform acts of kindness, beware of three pitfalls:

1) "I have to be good."

Once a kindness turns into a duty, it loses its effect. Instead of saying "I must," try saying:

“I will choose something small that is bearable for me today.” If you don’t have the capacity for kindness, don’t push yourself into it and take care of yourself first.

2) "Yes" when the body says "no".

Kindness without boundaries often ends in fatigue, irritability, and a feeling that “no one sees me.” If you feel resistance or pressure, stop.

3) Monitoring: “Am I happy yet? Is it working?”

When we pressure ourselves to “get it right away,” we often cut ourselves off from the natural experience. So approach doing good deeds as an experiment: kindness is a value in itself. Feeling good comes as a side effect. And let yourself be surprised.

Can a personality disorder be masked behind good deeds?

But sometimes the “I crave recognition” motive can turn into a long-term rigid pattern combined with a significant disruption of relationships and empathy. The so-called grandiose “admiration-seeking” altruism is a form of narcissistic traits, where a person builds an image of “I am the most kind/helpful person.” Here are typical signs when it is no longer a healthy need for recognition, but a problematic pattern:

• Helping is associated with the need to be seen (without an audience, the desire to help disappears).

• Strong sensitivity to ingratitude: a minor lack of recognition will trigger anger, shame, revenge, withdrawal.

• Help is instrumental: "if I help you, you will admire me / you will not abandon me."

• Moral superiority: "I'm the good one, you're the ignorant one."

• Lack of empathy: help does not take into account what the other person really wants (rather, what makes me a "good person").

• Relationships have an undertone of debt ("after everything I've done for you...").

All of this can be part of narcissistic traits, but these traits can also appear in people with anxiety, low self-esteem, trauma, codependency ( a relationship pattern where a person bases their value, peace, and identity too much on being needed by others ) or so-called pathological altruism (helping even at the cost of harming themselves or others).

Healthy vs. unhealthy kindness

Try a simple test and answer the following questions honestly:

1) Boundary Test: Can I say no without guilt? Healthy kindness = “yes” out of choice. Unhealthy = “yes” out of fear.

2) Invisibility test: Will I do it even if no one sees me and thanks me? Healthy = often yes. Unhealthy = motivation drops sharply.

3) Impact test: Does it improve relationships and my condition in the long term, or does it bring exhaustion or drama? Healthy = empowering. Unhealthy = burdensome and stressful.

So here's a little challenge for today. Try it today: one kindness for someone and one kindness for yourself. Because good deeds are easiest to do when we have something to give.

Author: Veronika Veselá