Tip #13: Self-compassion

Unpleasant emotions and thoughts can drain a lot of our energy. Research by Dr. Kristin Neff and other leading psychologists suggests that people who are compassionate about their own shortcomings and imperfections experience greater well-being than those who criticize themselves over and over again. Self-compassion is a great preventative measure against burnout and compassion fatigue.

Self-compassion helps reduce our attachment to negative emotions, but it’s important to remember that it won’t get rid of negative emotions. This principle is often confusing because common sense tells us that we should emphasize the positive and eliminate the negative. The problem is that when you try to completely eliminate the negative, it backfires. Mental or emotional resistance to pain only makes suffering worse. Our subconscious registers any attempt to avoid or suppress something, so the thing we’re trying to avoid becomes stronger.

Psychologists have conducted a great deal of research into our ability to consciously suppress unwanted thoughts and emotions. Their findings are clear – we have no such ability. Paradoxically, any attempt to consciously suppress unwanted emotions and thoughts seems to only intensify them.

Research also shows that people with higher levels of self-compassion are significantly less likely to suppress unwanted thoughts and emotions than those who lack self-compassion. They are more willing to experience their difficult feelings and acknowledge that their emotions are valid and important. This is because of the safety that compassion provides. It is not as scary to confront emotional pain when you know that you will have support in the process.

Here is a short 3-5 minute version of a compassionate imagination meditation inspired by Kristin Neff that you can use anytime you are struggling with uncomfortable emotions or thoughts:

1. Grounding in the breath

   Find a comfortable position. Close your eyes and take a deep breath… and exhale slowly. Repeat to yourself:

   Breath: I am here.

   Exhale: I allow myself to relax. Feel the breath coming and going.

   
   

2. Awareness of a challenging situation

   Now imagine a difficult situation you are experiencing. Notice what is happening in your body – tension, heaviness, anxiety. Slowly say to yourself:

   This is difficult for me.

   I am experiencing pain/stress/insecurity right now.

   
   

3. Common humanity

   Remind yourself that you are not alone in this. Many people are going through something similar. Say to yourself:

   I'm not alone in this.

   Such moments are part of human life.

4. Imagine a compassionate being

   Invite a being of compassion into your imagination – someone kind or just a gentle light. This being perceives you with understanding and love. Let their compassion fill your body.

   
   

5. Receiving compassion

   Let this compassionate being tell you:

   It's okay that it hurts.

   I am here with you, you are not alone. Repeat these words to yourself.

   
   

6. Switching to an inner compassionate voice

   Now mentally address yourself:

   I'm here for myself.

   I deserve peace and kindness.

   With this thought in mind, slowly become aware of the space around you. Accept this kindness into your heart.

   
   

7. Return

   Slowly return your attention to your breath and the space around you. Let this feeling of compassion and peace stay with you throughout the day.

Author: Veronika Veselá

Source: Self-compassion, Kristin Neffová, Ph.D. (Maitrea, 2023)