Self-compassion in parenting and working with children

Don't try to educate. Build a relationship with yourself.

Raising children can be full of love and understanding, without the need to instill fear. "Creating relationships with children at home and at school is what will help us guide them, motivate them to want to listen to us. The resistance that children create towards us, anger, defiance, are precisely their natural reaction to the fact that we are losing our relationship with them. We do not know how to listen to them. Even boundaries can be set calmly and with kindness," says developmental psychologist and lecturer of mindful self-kindness KAMI BRADA DVOŘÁKOVÁ. How to apply self-kindness in raising preschool and school children, but also in building a relationship with yourself? You can read in the interview.

Do we even know in our Western society what self-kindness is? What does it mean in practice?

Self-kindness or self-compassion can be described as the ability to be a close friend to myself, especially in situations where I'm not doing well. It's about awakening interest in what I really need. When I'm in a difficult situation, how would my best friend or maybe my ideal mother treat me? How would she react if I shared something that I didn't do well with her? Or that I made a mistake? For me, it would be a feeling of understanding, being heard, and being embraced. It can be a little different for everyone.

An important part of self-kindness is “just” stopping and allowing myself to be with what I feel. This is called mindfulness, and it is not common in our society. We are not used to stopping and simply being with our breath and feet on the ground for a moment, noticing how the sun or frost touches our skin. Kristin Neff, who first began to study self-kindness as a separate field, described this skill as a capacity that can be learned and expanded. An integral part of it is mindfulness, when I stop and become aware of what is happening within me. By learning to stop, we open the door to the present moment with ourselves, and without judging or looking for a solution, we acknowledge that this is a difficult moment.

Another aspect that Neff described is that in moments that are difficult for us, we tend to isolate ourselves and overly criticize ourselves for everything we have done wrong. And conversely, many people are afraid to accept any criticism and mistakes and only blame others. When practicing self-kindness, we also focus on the perception of others and connectedness – we realize that we are all connected to everyone and influence each other. This is true in joyful moments, as well as in suffering. Instead of closing ourselves off or blaming the world around us, the awareness of human solidarity and the fact that each of us sometimes suffers, that this is part of life, helps us overcome difficult moments.

Self-criticism vs. self-kindness – both can be seen as motivational forces that drive us forward. Perhaps due to the influence of upbringing and societal programming, I perceive that (self)criticism still has the upper hand. Marking, evaluation, the pursuit of control, belittling… still prevail in raising children. I perceive going the path of compassion and listening as going against the tide and customs.

Yes, we have to go against the flow very strongly. The habits we are trying to change, and I realize this thanks to parenthood, stem from the pain, fears and injuries from our childhood. And these, in turn, are closely related to the society we live in. In order for a society to function in a large number of people, it needs rules. And these are easiest to set if there is fear. The fear that if I make a mistake, I will pay for it. And we learn this already in school. Marking in children instills a fear of failure. And this subconsciously rooted fear paralyzes us. We then try to follow the rules at all costs or, conversely, break them at all costs. The result is that our society has a great tendency to defend itself against everything negative, we are ashamed of mistakes, we are afraid of them. And that is a shame, because it is through trying and making mistakes that we move forward and learn new things!

It's important to understand that following rules out of fear is not the only way to function as a society. Another way is to motivate ourselves to try new things without fear of failure, with a desire to discover and explore the world. And on this journey of discovery, sometimes we succeed and sometimes we don't. And that's okay.

And that brings us to the next component of self-kindness, the practical part. When I realize that I'm trying to change something deeply rooted in myself, the first thing I can do is stop and see what kind things I can do for myself. Ask yourself: What small thing can I do for myself today? The very fact that I ask myself that I care about myself is building a relationship with myself. And when I start to create a kinder relationship with myself, I naturally and gradually stop being afraid of mistakes and shortcomings. Because I know that when a difficult situation arises, I will hold myself up and support myself. I become a good friend to myself who is there for me.

The vast majority of us went through a childhood that was built on fear-based upbringing, conditioning: “If you’re a good girl, you’ll get a lollipop,” and striving for control. And it is from childhood that we carry automatic patterns that are deeply embedded in us. How do we deal with them as adults?

It is important to realize that our parents did the best they could under the circumstances. Creating mother-child separation was common from the maternity ward. And it continued to create the fear that I as a mother do not know what is good for my child, but the obstetrician, pediatrician, daycare teacher... or some other authority figure knows better than I do. And you, as a mother who does not understand anything, have to teach me that.

The current generation of mothers is trying to take authority and power back to themselves...

But no one wants to give it to you, most often with an argument that works through fear. Any negative that may occur is taken as the basis, starting point and main argument for obeying authority and not going your own way based on the mother's instincts. An example would be co-sleeping of a mother and newborn - a hugely controversial thing, where the argument is that you will definitely put the baby to sleep.

You teach mindfulness self-compassion. What can parents and educators do differently to break out of the automatic loop of fear-based behavior?

The first step to implementation is to realize that fear-based parenting, where we often punish, raise our voices, use authority to humiliate others and exercise our power over them, has a quick but long-term harmful effect. Quick results may be one of the reasons why so many people use this strategy. The path of self-kindness and mindfulness is a slow process, but it has much deeper impacts that are positive for the one who practices mindful self-kindness and for the one who receives it. It offers sustainable solutions to the relationships, difficulties and situations we find ourselves in.

When we look at what teachers and others working with children can do differently… The specific ideas are not that challenging, but it is up to the individual to start doing ordinary everyday things differently. For example, slowing down and letting go of the idea that I have to control the class, that I have to quickly give orders, set boundaries immediately. First of all, the teacher as well as the parent needs to start with themselves, when the child, the student, may not know anything. I am against teachers trying to teach it without knowing what mindfulness or self-kindness is. I really like the position of the well-known mindfulness lecturer Kevin Hawkins, who says that the steps should first start with themselves. Then I can try what I have learned in the environment in which I function, whether it is at home with my children or at school. And only then can I teach it to someone else.

From a practical perspective, this might look like this: before I react to a classmate's teasing, I stop for a moment and allow myself to just be, take a few deep breaths and exhale, and relax my shoulders. And there's a difference between acting angry and allowing ourselves to just be and feel what's going on inside us. And I can do these few breaths without anyone noticing. But I definitely recommend starting with easier situations, not in the most difficult environment, the classroom.

Because in reality, in a classroom where a teacher is in charge of 30 children, it can be very difficult. Sometimes it is necessary to quickly set boundaries, if only for safety reasons, and then also the pressure to fulfill the school and framework program dictated to schools by the system. But even here I can engage mindfulness and self-kindness and at least try it. And perhaps use self-kindness in such a way that I am aware of the demands of the teaching profession and the pressures, I will not criticize myself for getting away with it in the classroom, and that I will still try to do it differently next time.

So you recommend starting by turning your attention inward... By stopping.

And this is an important tip for teachers. You can read a book about mindfulness, take a course, and get excited about trying the technique in class. But be careful, that's the same as if I started running today and went to the Olympics tomorrow. I need to try what I learn first through small steps that are not emotionally charged. Going straight in front of a group of teenagers who are just waiting for my word, which they can take out of my mouth, can be quite risky. As I said at the beginning, it is important to realize that we are going against social customs and the physiological settings of the body. Therefore, every little thing that I start doing differently in my own life: I stop for three breaths before leaving the house, I take the bus and take five minutes to relax my body and notice what is happening in it, I become aware of my thoughts and come back to myself... counts. Moreover, when I do these little things with the intention of taking care of myself, they are also an expression of self-kindness.

What should be avoided in a self-kind approach?

Excessive demands, pressure for immediate results. It's not about setting a goal to be a respectful, kind teacher right away and having results by the end of the semester. Self-kindness is about understanding that when things don't go my way and I manage to be mindful of myself for even just a minute throughout the day, that's a small thing to celebrate. I don't have to beat myself up for failing fifty times. So what? I did it once and a good friend or kind mother would be happy about even small successes.

Don't want to achieve big goals right away. Take it one step at a time. Ask yourself: What little thing can I do for myself? What little thing could I do differently in this situation? What is a small joy for me that I would like to bring into my life? What little joy can I give myself before work, after work... maybe over time and during work. Know that through these small steps, our nervous system is being rewritten. It gets used to the environment of self-criticism, fears and anxieties to being able to relax. What I always say in courses, and it is difficult for me as a lecturer to accept, is the fact that the process of rewriting deep-rooted automatic patterns in the subconscious lasts a lifetime. It is a never-ending process, but that doesn't matter, it is part of being a feeling human being.

It can be expected that after some time of practice, when I start to be mindful of myself and create kind moments, there will come a period when we will inevitably discover the depth of our inner critic. Through mindfulness, we can begin to notice our mistakes, destructive automatic patterns and voices of self-criticism more... What then? How to proceed? How to engage self-compassion and support myself even in moments when I witness that I am not treating myself very well right now?

Small joys help us build a foundation that we can then lean on, and the capacity to move on. It will help us better and faster realize that I am doing something that is hurting myself. And the moment I realize that I am not treating myself well, the door opens to stop the autopilot. Our natural automatic reaction is to get rid of the critic, not have to listen to it all the time. But our psyche does not work that way, it only creates more pressure and resistance to what is happening inside us. The critic is an aspect that we have accepted, it was formed in us through childhood, often the inner critic is an angry mom or dad or grandma or another close person who communicated with us in a way that hurt us. You can't just get rid of this part or pretend that it doesn't exist. It is important to mention that for some, childhood pain can be too overwhelming, then it is better to do this work with a therapist. Asking for help in a difficult situation is a show of kindness.

So how do you continue to work with your inner critic?

Working with the critic means trying to look under the hood and what we discover there, staying mindful and kind. In self-kindness, we work a lot with the body. When I feel like it's too much, I need to stop, realize that I'm breathing, that my feet are resting on the ground. In such situations, I recommend that people put their hand on their chest, leg, shoulder, just a place on their body where it feels comfortable, and perceive it as a supportive touch and breathe into the body. You can put your hand on your knee, for example, during a school meeting, and no one may notice anything. It can take a long time before I stop fighting the critic and can relax a little in these challenging situations. But every little step counts and gradually the body gets used to being able to relax even in these more challenging situations and make better decisions in them.

The next step is to take a step back from the situation and notice what my inner critic is trying to help me with. Because my parents and grandparents also wanted help, we just can't see their good intentions behind it. A suitable tool for this is, for example, writing exercises, where we engage the prefrontal cortex, the rational mind, and help balance the emotional mind through writing. There are exercises for this on my website, for example. But it doesn't have to be just writing, it can be through meditation or sharing with a close and understanding person. The important work with the critic consists in relaxing and realizing what the critic is trying to help me with, what he is trying to protect me from. And then, with a kinder approach, I can decide for myself whether I really want to work on the given thing. From a position of strength, I can even thank the critic if I want to. This gradually leads to a great feeling of freedom, that I am not controlled by the inner critic and can freely decide how I want to react in a given situation. And that is very liberating.

Let's go back to parenting and the way we shape children. What we see today are two extremes: authoritarian parenting vs. overly liberal, free parenting. But neither makes children feel good. How do we set boundaries in a compassionate way to make parenting healthy?

This is exactly what our generation is looking for. We say to ourselves, because our parents hurt us, we will do it differently, and so we go from extreme to extreme. That is natural. It is a huge amount of work that we are trying to do in one generation, and with that come high expectations that we place on ourselves. Today, there is a lot of information available about how to raise children in a respectful way, but whether we implement it is another matter. Evolution takes thousands of years, and in one generation we want to go from authoritarian upbringing to a moderately balanced respectful and kind upbringing. That is a huge step that can be very demanding.

An important key is to set an example for children, to work with yourself. My role model is developmental psychologist Gordon Neufeld, who doesn't actually talk specifically about mindfulness and kindness, but his work is rooted and contextualized in evolution and what nature itself does. Children absorb things from us, we don't have to educate them! This is information that our society is not very aware of. So if we respect their needs and set boundaries where necessary, they will respect our wishes. They will want to be guided by adults who are connected to them - who perceive them and their needs.

What would such a connection look like in practice in preschool education?

There, I see the main obstacle as the large number of children in the classroom, when there are dozens of children for one or two teachers. In such conditions, it is difficult to create a bond with each child. However, creating a relationship does not consist of elevating the children's needs above your own and adapting to them. It is about stopping with the children through mindfulness and kindness: Oh, you are playing with stones here. And I am going to the next one... I try to create an individual relationship with each being. And that is why mindfulness and kindness are a wonderful foundation for caregivers and parents. Because they give us the opportunity to stop, to see the other. Self-kindness is when something is not going well, I am having a bad day, I am there for myself, and this is what helps create a sense of security. Then when I am with another person, I am not in such tension and I can be more sensitive and receptive again.

Building relationships with children at school is what will help us guide them, motivate them to want to listen to us. The great resistance that children create towards us, the defiance, is precisely their natural reaction to the fact that we do not have a relationship with children. We do not know how to listen to them.

From what you say, it seems to me that it is important for teachers and parents to learn to listen to children and thus create a relationship, rather than fulfilling a pre-prepared program at all costs.

Yes. Adults often lose touch with the vision of the program and everything that children have to learn. Adults forget that a sensitive relationship with a child is the alpha and omega of all functioning. Some children are able to go with the flow, but then it has negative effects later, when, for example, these children are more anxious, do not trust themselves or do not perceive their value. Other children get discouraged and refuse to move on because they lack the relationship. Teachers do not have time to perceive the individual wonderful being that Pepíček is here. When children require attention, it does not mean that they need it eight hours a day. They need to deepen the relationship. The moment they have trust in the relationship, that person is here for me, they do not have to demand it when it is not appropriate. The foundation must always be the relationship with oneself. Therefore, teachers and parents should start with themselves. Rather than trying to educate, learn to turn attention inward. Self-kindness is about the relationship with oneself. When I learn to have a kinder and safer relationship with myself, I lead by example and automatically create safe relationships with others. As a result, it's surprisingly simple.

What about naughty children? It occurs to me that a naughty child is just a child who needs our attention, wants to be heard. And when I give it to him, he stops being naughty. Is that how it works?

With my own daughter Amálka, I discover that naughty children do not exist. Children only express their needs and when no one responds to them, they look for new and new ways. And we adults tend to react strongly emotionally to ways that do not suit us. And we call strong emotions or a great need for attention nagging. A popular sentence is - why are you doing this to me? Why aren't you listening to me, etc. We take children's behavior personally, precisely because we have our own hurts and we were blamed for how the adults around us feel. But that's not the case. A child has the right to their emotions, it is natural to have a whole range of emotions. And the moment we start to get angry at a child for their emotions, we undermine their value. That what they are feeling is not okay. Moreover, at that moment the child perceives: ah, the teacher is reacting strongly here, so this is the place where I will at least get some attention. Negative attention is better than none.

And be careful here again of misunderstanding. However, this does not mean that I have to comply with the child every time he requests something. Rather, try to establish a relationship with him in situations where he is not disturbing, to try to get to know him. What color do you like? Do you have a favorite ice cream? Give him attention, try to get to know the child, show interest in him. This builds a relationship. And in moments of strong emotions, it is so important to have understanding for these emotions and not try to suppress them immediately, to divert attention. And we are back to the number of children in kindergartens and schools. If a few teachers are in charge of a large number of children, it is very difficult for them to give this receptive attention to the child, his needs and emotions, when several children need it at the same time.

How can we continue to work with children within the framework of self-kindness? How can we create a good relationship, but not at the expense of ourselves and our needs?

Creating interest comes first. Next, understanding that no matter how they behave, they don't do it on purpose. . Every child has their own needs, emotions, and they have the right to do so. And that requires understanding. And we're back to ourselves. When I have understanding for myself and my sore spots and emotions, I can have a better understanding for others. Children need an adult next to them who will understand their emotions and help them be with them. Understanding has enormous power. When a child disrupts, it's hard for me, maybe it touches my inner wounds, I can be afraid, and at the same time I understand that what's happening to me is not on purpose and it's not our fault or anyone else's fault. It's just a consequence of what I grew up with and what the other person is growing up with.

Ing. Kami Brada Dvořáková, MA, Ph.D.

Kami Brada Dvořáková is a developmental psychologist, researcher and certified teacher of a scientifically proven program of mindful self-compassion. During her 10 years in the USA, she completed her master's degree at Columbia University in New York, worked as a family psychologist for at-risk children in Boston and completed her doctorate at the University of Pennsylvania in the field of research on prevention and promotion of mental health. Kami is officially certified to teach courses on mindful self-compassion (originally Mindful Self-compassion), currently the only teacher in the Czech Republic. You can find more about her activities on the website https://lask.io/

Tips for books about self-kindness and kind parenting and working with children:

Kristin Neff: Self-Compassion

Susan Pollak: Self-compassion for parents

Brené Brown: The gifts of imperfection

Kevin Hawkins: Mindful Teacher, Mindful School: Improving Wellbeing in Teaching and Learning